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Introduction
Good evening! Tonight's motion picture is the .... Monty Python's Life of Brian. Set in North PC, it tells the story of the life of Brian, and also seventy camels, forty-eight goats, sixteen chickens, twelve pigs, two dromedaries and of course the wacky Monty Python boys. And so, without any more do, let's sit back and enjoy highlights from Monty Python's Life of er... Brian.
Click on the tiles in the Table of Contents below or just scroll down at your leisure...
| The wise men at the manger |
Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) |
Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| .Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre |
Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? |
.Link | Ben | Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) |
| .Link | .Prophets | .Beard salesman | .Link | .Brian’s prophecy | .Link | .The hermit | .Link | .He’s a very naughty boy! |
| Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | .Pilate with the crowd .(Welease Woger) |
Nisus Wettus with the jailers |
Release Brian | .Not so bad .once you’re up |
| ...Revs salute Brian.. | ..Cheeky is released.. | ..Mandy to her son.. | ..Look on the bright side of life.. | ..End of the film... |
Brian
The baby called Brian
The wise men at the manger
Mandy Aaahh! Who are you?!
Brian
He grew
A boy called Brian
And he grew
A teenager called Brian
No girl named Brian
And he started to shave
A man called Brian
Stone salesman
Salesman Stone sir?
Stoning
Official Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath?
Ex-leper
You mean you were raped? (Nortius Maximus)
Brian Have I got a big nose mum?
Link
Link man Link. It just says link here, but er... it doesn't say anything
else.
Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre
Romans go home
Link man Do I talk here?
Roman What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes
they go the house?
Link
Studio man Where is he!
What have the Romans ever done for us?
Man What exactly are the demands?
Link
Link man The raid backfires. Brian is captured and all the rest are killed.
Brian, beaten, bruised, and bleeding, is thrown into Pilate's darkest, stinking dungeon.
Ben
Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor)
Link
Link man In the meantime...
Prophets
Prophet 1 And the bezan shall be huge! And black! And the eyes thereof,
red, with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride
forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands there’ll be a great
rubbing of parts! Yeah...
Beard salesman
Link
Link man Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid capture, pretends to be a lobster.
Brian's prophecy
Link
Link man Convinced by a lobster that Brian is the Messiah, a large crowd pursues him outside the city where in the hole of a lone hermit... Oh.
The hermit
Link
Link man Brian seizes the opportunity to escape from the crowd and goes
home with Judith. Alone together at last, the two rush naked at each other,
and meet in a frenzy of darting tongues, grabbing...
He's a very naughty boy
Brian Hello mother!
Link
Link man Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, where he is sentenced to
be crucified.
Pilate sentences Brian
Centurion Hail Caesar!
Nisus Wettus
Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger)
Nisus Wettus with the jailers
Nisus Wettus Jailor! How many have come through?
Release Brian
Pilate Alwight, I'll give you one more chance! This time I want to hear no
Weubens, no Weginalds, no Wudolph the Wednosed Weindeers...
Not so bad once you're up
Revs salute Brian
Brian Reg!
Cheeky is released
Centurion Where is Brian of Nazareth?!
Mandy to her son
Mandy I should have known it would end up like this! Just think of all the
love and affection I've wasted on you! Is that how you treat your poor old
mother, in the autumn years of her life. All I can say is, go ahead, be crucified!
See if I care.
Cheer up Brian! You know what they say:
Some things in life are bad
And
If life seems jolly rotten
And
So
And
I mean, what you got to lose? You come from nothing, you go back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!
Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?
Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for
all this rubbish?
End of the film
Link man [hums along]
The images used on this page are all from Stefan Gmoser's
Monty Python's Flying Circus page.
Thank you!
Wise man 1 We are three wise men.
Mandy What?
Wise man 2 We are three wise men.
Mandy Well, what are you doing, creeping around a cow shed at two
o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me!
Wise man 1 We are astrologers.
Wise man 2 We have come from the East.
Mandy Is this some kind of joke?
Wise man 1 We wish to praise the infant.
Wise man 2 We must pay homage to him!
Mandy Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out! Burstin’
in here with tales about oriental fortune-tellers; come on, out!
Wise man 3 No no, we must see him!
Mandy Go and pray someone else's back! Go on!
Wise man 2 We were led by a star!
Mandy Led by a bottle more like! Go on out!
Wise man 2 We... we must see him! We've brought presents!
Mandy Out!
Wise man 1 Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
Mandy Well why didn't you say, he's over there. So you're astrologers
are you? Well, what is he then?
Wise man 3 Hm?
Mandy What starsign is he?
Wise man 3 Capricorn.
Mandy Mm... Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise man 3 He's the Son of God, our Messiah, King of the Jews!
Mandy That's Capricorn, is it?
Wise man 3 No no no, that's just him!
Mandy Oh, I's gotta say, otherwise there'd be a lot of 'em.
Wise man 2 By what name are you calling him?
Mandy Er... Brian.
All We worship you, o Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you
Brian, and to the Lord our Father. Amen.
Mandy You do a lot of this then?
Wise man 3 What?
Mandy This praising.
Wise man 3 No no. No no.
Mandy Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in! Thank you! Goodbye!
Well, weren't they nice! Mm. Out of their bloody minds, but still...
The baby called Brian
Grew grew and grew
Grew up to be
Grew up to be
A boy called Brian
He had arms
And legs
And hands
And feet
This boy
Whose name was Brian
Grew grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
Not a girl named Brian
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And wanna get pissed
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called
Brian
Jesus How blessed are the sorrowful, they shall find consolation.
How blessed are those of gentle spirit, they shall have the earth for
their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see
right prevail!
Mandy Speak up!
Brian Sh, quiet Mum.
Mandy Why, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the stoning.
All Shh!
Brian You can go to a stoning any time!
Mandy Oh, come on Brian.
Man 1 Will you be quiet!
Wife 1 Don't pick your nose!
Man 1 I wasn't picking my nose, I was scratching.
Wife 1 You was pickinging, while you was talking to that lady.
Man 1 I wasn't!
Wife 1 Leave it alone, gimme a rest.
Cheeky Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying!
Wife 1 Don't you do you mind me, I was talking to my husband!
Cheeky Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody
thing!
Man 1 Don't you swear at my wife!
Cheeky I was only asking her to shut up so we'd hear what he's saying,
big nose!
Wife 1 Don't you call my husband big nose!
Cheeky Well he has got a big nose!
Man 2 Could you be quiet, please? What was that?
Cheeky I don't know, was too busy talking to big nose.
Man 3 I think it was... "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Wife 2 Oh... what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Man 2 Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers
to any manufacturer of dairy products.
Cheeky See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, big nose!
Man 1 Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!
Cheeky Better keep listenin', might be a bit about "Blessed are the big
noses"!
Brian Oh, lay off him!
Cheeky Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk face. Where are you two
from, Nose City?
Man 1 One more time mate, I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
Wife 1 Language! And don't pick your nose!
Man 1 I wasn't gonna pick my nose. I's gonna thump him!
Wife 1 You're not gonna thump anybody.
Man 1 I'll thump him if he calls me big nose again.
Cheeky Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Man 1 Your nose's gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time
I'm finished with you!
All Sshh!
Cheeky Well who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother?
Man 1 Oh, right, that's your last warning.
Wife 2 Oh, do pipe down! Ooh!
Mandy Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning!
Mandy No, they got a lot there, lying around on the ground!
Salesman Oh not like these sir! Look at these! Feel the quality of that!
That's craftmanship sir.
Mandy Eh... alright. Two points, er, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
Salesman Should be good one this afternoon.
Mandy Yeah?
Salesman Local boy.
Matthias Do I say yes?
Guard Yes.
Matthias Yes.
Official You have been found guilty by the elders of the town, of
uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer!...
Crowd Oooh!
Official ...You are to be stoned to death.
Matthias Look, I had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was:
"That piece of halibot was good enough for Jehovah!"
Crowd Oooh!
Official Blasphemy! He said it again!
Crowd Yeah! Yeah!
Official Did you hear him?
Crowd Yeah! Yeah!
Woman Really!
Official Are there any women here today?!
Crowd [silence]
Official Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
Matthias Ow! Lay off, we haven't started yet!
Official Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone, come on?!
Crowd She! She! She! ... He! Him! He did!
Woman Sorry, I thought ... we started.
Official Go to the back! Always one, isn't there?
Matthias Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying
Jehovah.
Crowd Iiiih!
Official You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah,
Jehovah...
Official I'm warning you, if you say Jehovah once more... Right! Who
threw that?! Come on, who threw that!
Crowd She! She! She! ... He! Him! Him!
Official Was it you?
Woman Yes.
Official Right!
Woman But you did say Jehovah!
Crowd Aaaahh!
Official Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone
anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even, and I want to
make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehovah!
Crowd Aaaahh!
Woman Good shot!
Ex-leper Alms for an ex-leper. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
Mandy Buzz off.
Ex-leper Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?
Mandy A talent? That's more than he earns in a month!
Ex-leper Half a talent then?
Mandy Now go away!
Ex-leper Come on big nose, let's haggle!
Brian What?!
Ex-leper All right, cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel, I start at
two thousand, we close about eighteenhundred.
Brian No.
Ex-leper Seventeen fifty?
Mandy Go away!
Ex-leper Seventeen forty?
Mandy Look, will you leave him alone!
Ex-leper All right, two shekels, just two. Is this fun eh?
Mandy Look, he's not givin' you any money, so piss off.
Ex-leper All right, that's my final offer, half a shekel for an old
ex-leper?
Brian Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-leper That's right sir, sixteen years behind the bell and proud of
it sir.
Brian Well, what happened?
Ex-leper Oh, cured sir.
Brian Cured?
Ex-leper Yes, a bloody miracle sir.
Brian Who cured you?
Ex-leper Jesus did sir! I was hopping along, minding my own business,
all of a sudden up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade,
next minute my livelihood's gone! Not so much as a by your leave! "You're
cured mate." Bloody do-gooder!
Brian Well... why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper
again?
Ex-leper I could do that sir, yeah, yeah, could do I suppose. What I was
thinking was, I was gonna ask him if he'd make me... a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not
leprosy, which was a pain in me ass to be blunt, excuse my French sir...
Mandy Brian! Come and clean your room up!
Brian Here you are.
Ex-leper Thank you sir, thank... Half a dinare for me bloody lifestory!
Brian There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper That's just what Jesus said sir!
Mandy Oh, stop thinking about sex!
Brian I wasn't!
Mandy You're always on about it! Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls
like this, will the girls like that, is it too big, is it too small....
Mandy Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian.
Brian What is it?
Mandy Your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian I never thought he was!
Mandy Now none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
Brian You mean... you were raped?!
Mandy Well... at first, yes.
Brian Who was it!?
Mandy Ah... Nortius Maximus his name was. Mmm... Promised me the known
world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum, slaves,
ass's milk, as much gold as I could eat... Then he, having his way with
me he had, voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct!
Brian The bastard!
Mandy Yes, and next time you go on about "the bloody Romans", don't
forget you're one of 'em!
Brian I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike, a Yid, a
Hebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher mum! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of
it!
Mandy Sex, sex, sex, is all they think about eh?
Studio man I'm sorry, yes. I'll deal with this.
Link man Can you?
Studio man Yes. He just wants to know what's going on.
Link man Leak. Link, link.
Studio man Yes. This is a...
Link man It might be leak.
Studio man No. It's link. We just wanted you to link all the bits
together. You see, what we got is a... film...
Link man Yes, I see.
Studio man ...and it doesn't make much sense, er... well, just on a
record.
Link man ....
Studio man Well, yes, luckily it's just a sort of nonsense... type
comedy group who are doing this...
Link man Oh, I see.
Studio man ...so it doesn't really matter, you know. Kids tend to like
this sort of thing. But er.. what we really need to do is link a few of
the odd scenes together.
Link man Right. Right. Can do.
Studio man And we want you to.. to do it. Okay?
Link man Fine. Fine. But I will need a few of the words, to sort of ...
Studio man Ah, yes. Kevin's got the words.
Link man Normally they do that sort of thing.
Studio man He's got the words.
Link man Has he?
Studio man Yes.
Link man ....
Studio man He'll bring them in right away.
Link man Ahem. Link. Really, I can't read this.
Studio man Yes, I'm sorry, it's in handwriting. We did it in the pub.
Link man Here there way day, pots nan...
Studio man Hmhm.
Link man ...arsinliustords, lingsbored. Master master!
Studio man Well, unfortunately, none of the other brothers are here
tonight, so we can't really ask them... Maybe, if you just say it as...
as written?
Link man Oh. Very well. Don't pass ordiad prug, lack good bits. Uber
renées came. Hey! Is the posnd arsin asli stamps, using bee curd.
Pethendy killed the merkley. Meanwhile... link. Was that...?
Studio man I think that's the sort of thing they want, yes.
Link man Is it really?
Brian Larks' tongues; wrens' livers; chaffinch brains ; jaguars' earlobes;
wolf's nipple chips, get them while they're hot, they're lovely;
dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar; Tuscany fried bats....
Judith I do feel Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must
reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
Reg Great. Francis?
Francis Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg.
Provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of
every man...
Stan Or woman.
Francis Or woman, to rid himself...
Stan Or herself.
Francis Or herself.
Reg Agreed.
Francis Thank you brother.
Stan Or sister.
Francis Or sister. Where was I?
Reg I think you're finished.
Francis Oh. Right.
Reg Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...
Stan Or woman.
Reg Why don't you shut up about women Stan, you're putting us off.
Stan Women have the perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Reg Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan I want to be one.
Reg What?
Stan I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me
Loretta.
Reg What?!
Stan It's my right as a man.
Judith But why would you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan I want to have babies.
Reg You wanna have babies?!
Stan It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg But... you can't have babies!
Stan Don't you oppress me!
Reg I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb! Where's the
foetus gotta gestate? You're gonna keep it in a box?!
Judith Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually
have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the
Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
Francis Good idea Judith! We shall fight the oppressors for your right
to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg What's the point?
Francis What?
Reg What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he
can't have babies?!
Francis It's symbolic, of our struggle against oppression!
Reg Symbolic of his struggle against reality...
Brian Otters' noses. Ocelots' spleens...
Reg Got any nuts?
Brian I haven't got any nuts, sorry. I got wrens' livers,
badgers' spleens...
Reg No, no, no...
Brian Otters' noses?
Reg I don't want of that Roman rubbish!
Judith Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian Proper food?
Reg Yeah, and not those rich imperialist titbits!
Brian Well, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
Reg All right, bag of otters' noses then.
Francis Make it two.
Reg Two.
Francis Thanks Reg.
Brian Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg Fuck off!
Brian What?!
Reg Judean People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judea!
Judean People's Front! Cough!
Francis Wankers!
Brian Can I... join your group?
Reg Now, piss off!
Brian I didn't want to sell this stuff! It's only a job! I hate the
Romans as much as anybody!
Reg Ssshhh! Listen, if you wanna join the PFJ, you'd have to really
hate the Romans!
Brian I do!
Reg Oh yeah? How much?
Brian A lot!
Reg Right, you're in. The only people we hate more than the Romans are
the fucking Judean People's Front.
All Yeah, splitters.
Francis And the Judean Popular People's Front!
All Yeah, splitters.
Stan And the People's Front of Judea!
All Splitters!
Reg What?
Stan The People's Front of Judea! Splitters!
Reg We're the People's Front of Judea!
Stan Oh, I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg People's Front! What's your name?
Brian Brian. Brian... Cohen.
Reg We may have a little job for you, Brian.
Studio man No, not here, because we've got all this dramatic music, and,
you see, we shouldn't have any voice-over here.
Link man Right. Well, I'll er... I'll just nip around the corner,
right?
Studio man Ehh, no no, if you could actually please just stay in the
building. We'll need you in a minute or two.
Link man Alright. Er...
Studio man Ssh ssh ssh, here he is now.
Brian It... it says "Romans, go home!"
Roman No, it doesn't. What's Latin for Roman? Come on, come on!
Brian Romanus?
Roman Goes like?
Brian Annus?
Roman Vocative plural of annus is?
Brian Anni?
Roman Romani... Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian Go.
Roman Conjugate the verb to go!
Brian Ire. Eh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Roman So eunt is...
Brian Eh... third person plural, eh, present indicative. They go.
Roman But "Romans go home" is an order! So you must use the...
Brian Imperative!
Roman Which is?
Brian Ehh..um..oh..oh... i! I!
Roman How many Romans?
Brian Plural! Plural! Ite! Ite!
Roman Ite... Domus? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards,
isn't it?
Brian Oh yeah... dative... Aah! Not the dative, not the dative, sir!
Ah..ah.. eh the accusative, accusative! Ah... domum, sir, ad domum!
Roman Except that domus takes the...
Brian The locative!
Roman Which is...?
Brian Domum!
Roman Domum. Um... Understand?
Brian Yes, sir!
Roman Now write that down a hundred times.
Brian Yes, sir, thank you, sir, hail Caesar, sir!
Roman Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls
off.
Man He's just nipped out to the pub.
Studio man Oh, God! We need him for this link! All right. Meanwhile, on
the other side of the town, a group of fanatic revolutionairies plot the
overthrow of the entire Roman Empire. That'll do, they'll never notice
it wasn't him.
Link man Err... Sorry, sorry. Ehmm... I was just, er...
Studio man It doesn't matter, we've done it now.
Link man Ah.
Francis We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus
of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we
execute her.
Reg They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we
had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers'
fathers.
Stan And from our fathers' fathers' fathers!
Reg Yeah.
Stan And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers!
Reg All right Stan, don't labour the point. And what have they ever given
us in return?!
Man The aqueduct?
Reg What?
Man The aqueduct.
Reg Oh yeah, yeah, that they've given us, yeah, that's true, yeah.
Man And the sanitation.
Stan Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be
like.
Reg Yeah, all right, I grant you, the aqueduct and the sanitation are
two things the Romans have done.
Mathias And the roads!
Reg Well, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without
saying, don't they! But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the
roads...
Man Irrigation.
Man Medicine.
Man Education!
Reg Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.
Man And the wine.
All Yeah, yeah, the wine!
Francis Yeah! yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the
Romans left.
Man Public baths.
Stan And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis Yeah, they certainly like to keep order. I suppose they're the
only ones who could in a place like this!
Reg Yeah, all right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine,
education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system
and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us!?
Man Brought peace.
Reg Oh, peace. Shut up!
Studio man Very good indeed.
Ben You lucky bastard.
Brian Who's that?
Ben You lucky, lucky bastard.
Brian What?!
Ben Proper little jailor's pet, aren't we?
Brian What do you mean?!
Ben You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
Ben Oohooh, wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! Sometimes I lay awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Ben Manacles! My idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles.
Just for a few hours... They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny.
Brian Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time!
Ben YOU've had a hard time!? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right
way up yesterday! So don't you come round...
Brian All right, all right!
Ben They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
Brian What will they do to me?
Ben Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian Crucifixion?!
Ben Yeah, first offense.
Brian Get away with crucifixion!? It's...
Ben Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian What!
Ben Oh yeah! If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess!
Brian Guard!
Ben Nail 'em up, I say!
Brian Guard!
Ben Nail some sense into 'em!
Guard What do you want!
Brian I want you to move me to another cell!
Guard Ha! [pftoo]
Brian Aah!
Ben Oh! Look at that! Bloody favouritism!
Guard Shut up you!
Ben Sorry!
Centurion Pilate wants to see you!
Brian Me?
Centurion Come on!
Brian Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Centurion I think he wants to know which way up you ought to be crucified.
Ben Oh! Hahahaha haha! Nice one, centurion, like it, like it.
Centurion Shut up!
Ben Right.
Centurion Hail Caesar!
Pilate Hail!
Centurion Only one survivor, sir.
Pilate Ah. Thwow him to the floow.
Centurion What sir?
Pilate Thwow him to the floow.
Centurion Ah.
Pilate Now... What is youw name, Jew?
Brian Brian, sir.
Pilate Bwian, eh?
Brian No no, Brrrian. Ow!
Pilate Hahahaha! The little wascal has spiwit!
Centurion Has what sir?
Pilate Spiwit!
Centurion Yes, he did, sir.
Pilate No no. Spiwits, bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Centurion Oh! About eleven, sir.
Pilate So. You dawed to waid us!
Brian To what sir?
Pilate Stwike him, centuwion, vewy woughly!
Brian Aah!
Centurion Oh, and er... thwow him to the floor, sir?
Pilate What?
Centurion Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
Pilate Oh, yes, thwow him to the floow please.
Brian Aah!
Pilate Now, Jewish wapscallion...
Brian I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pilate A Woman?
Brian No no, Rrroman. Aah!
Pilate So, youw fathew was a Woman! Who was he?
Brian He was a centurion, in the Jerusalem garrison.
Pilate Weally? What was his name?
Brian Nortius Maximus.
Centurion Hahampff!
Pilate Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion Well no sir.
Pilate Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Centurion Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke sir. Like er... Sillius Soddus,
or... Biggus Dickus.
Pilate What's so... funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion Well, it's a joke name sir.
Pilate I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus!
Soldier Mmffff!
Pilate Silence! What is all this insolence! You will find youwself in gladiatowschool
vewy quickly, with wotten behaviouw like that!
Brian Can I go now sir? Aah!
Studioman No, er...
Link man During? During? ?
Studioman Yes. Try during.
Link man During the meanwhile...
Studioman No, that's not right. That's not good English. Can you try "during the
meantime"?
Link man During the meantime...
Studioman No. That's not right either.
Link man Meantime, meanwhile, mean during the...
Studioman While.
Link man During the while...
Studio man No, that won't work at all.
Link man Well, it sounded quite good to me.
Studio man No, I don't think it's very good English, I'm sorry.
Link man Wouldn't it?
Studio man No.
Link man Oh. During... What did I say?
Studio man During the meanwhilst.
Link man During the meanwhilst... No, I don't like that at all.
Studio man No.
Link man During... Well, what sh.. what should I try?
Studio man We'll just cut this.
Link man What?
Studio man We'll just cut this link.
Link man Well, you don't need it at all?
Studio man I don't think so.
Link man Well, that's all right then...
Prophet 2 ...And the daemon shall bear a nine-bladed sword! Nine-bladed!
Not two, or five, or seven, but nine! Which he will wield on all wretched
sinners, sinners just like you sir, there. And the horns will be on the head...
Prophet 3 ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things
going astray. And.. and there shall be a great confusion, as to where things really are. And
nobody will really know where lyeth those little things, with a sort of raffia work base, that
has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall
not know where lyeth... the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only
just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Brian How much, quick!
Salesman What?
Brian It's for the wife!
Salesman Oh. Er.. twenty shekels.
Brian Right.
Salesman What?
Brian There you are.
Salesman Wait a minute!
Brian What?
Salesman Well, we... we're supposed to haggle.
Brian No, no, I got to get...
Salesman What d'you mean, no no no?
Brian I haven't got time to...
Salesman Well, give it back then!
Brian No no no, I just paid you!
Salesman Burt!
Burt Yeah?
Salesman This bloke won't haggle!
Burt Won't haggle!?
Brian All right. Do we have to?
Salesman Now look, I want twenty for that.
Brian I just gave you twenty!
Salesman Now you're telling me that's not worth twenty shekels.
Brian No?
Salesman Look at it! Feel the quality! That's none of your goat!
Brian All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
Salesman No no no no. Come on, do it properly.
Brian What?
Salesman Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen!
Brian You just said it was worth twenty!
Salesman Oh dear, oh dear. Come on, haggle.
Brian Oh. All right, I'll give you ten.
Salesman That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother, ten?!
Brian All right, I'll give you eleven.
Salesman Now you're getting it. Eleven!!? Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve, you wanna ruin me?!
Brian Seventeen?
Salesman No no no no, seventeen.
Brian Eighteen!
Salesman No, no, you go to fourteen now.
Brian All right, I'll give you fourteen.
Salesman Fourteen?! Are you joking?!
Brian That's what you told me to say!
Salesman Oh dear.
Brian Oh, tell me what to say, please!
Salesman Offer me fourteen.
Brian I'll give you fourteen.
Salesman He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian Fifteen!
Salesman Seventeen, my last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
Brian Sixteen.
Salesman Done. Nice to do business with you!
Studio man Eh... No, I'm sorry, that's my handwriting. It should be preacher.
Link man Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Preacher.
Studio man Actually, I quite like lobster.
Link man Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid lobster, captures...
Studio man No, no. There's no lobster. Instead of lobster...
Link man But it says here...
Studio man Yes. No, that's my handwriting. That's capture, see, that's a t.
Link man Oh, on to the lobster.
Studio man Just one more.
Link man Brian is on the run from the lobster, and, to avoid capture...
Studio man No, no, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there.
Link man Again!
Studio man It's actually on the run from the Romans. You see, that's clearly not lobster.
Link man And that...
Studio man I grant... I grant you that looks a bit like lobster...
Link man ....
Studio man One more time please. And... come on.
Link man Brian is on the run from the lob... from the... from... I'm sorry. Can we do it again?
Studio man Yes.
Link man Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid capture, pretends to lob... pretends...
Studio man Look, we'll just cut this whole link.
Link man Lobster is rather intrusive, isn't it?
Studio man We'll cut this, this will be an edit.
Link man Oh well.
Brian Don't you ..er, pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged
yourself.
Man 1 What?
Brian I said, don't pass judgement on other people, or else YOU might get
judged, too.
Man 1 Oh really?
Brian Yes.
Man 1 Oh. Thank you very much.
Brian Consider the lily...
Woman Consider the lily?
Brian Well, the birds then.
Man 2 What birds?
Brian Any birds.
Man 2 Why?
Brian Well, have they got jobs?
Man 2 Who?
Brian The birds.
Man 2 Have the birds got jobs?!
Man 3 What's the matter with him?
Man 2 He says the birds are scrounging.
Brian No, no, the point is, the birds, they do alright, don't they?
Man 3 Well, good luck to 'em!
Man 4 Yes, they're very pretty!
Brian Okay! And you're much more important than they are, right? So
what are you worrying about? There you are, see!
Man 5 I'm worried about what you got against birds!
Brian I haven't got anything against the birds! Consider the lily.
Man 2 He's having a go at flowers now!
Man 6 Oh, give the flowers a chance.
Brian Look, there was this man, and he had two servants.
Man 2 What were they called?
Brian What?
Man 2 What were their names?
Brian I don't know. And he gave them some talents...
Man 2 You don't know!?
Brian Well, it doesn't matter.
Man 2 He doesn't know what they were called!
Brian Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now...
Man 2 Oh! You said you didn't know!
Brian It really doesn't matter. The point is, there were these two servants...
Man 2 He's making it up as he goes along!
Brian No I'm not! And he gave them some... or wait a minute, were there three?
Man 7 Oh, he's terrible!
Brian They were stewards, really...
Woman Ah, get off!
Studio man What?
Link man I missed a bit out there.
Studio man No, no. TO the hole of a lone hermit...
Link man To the hole of... of a lone... hermit.
Studio man I think that's fine, isn't it rather?
Brian Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?
Hermit Mmmmm. Ow, my foot! Oh!
Brian Sshhh!
Hermit Oh damn damn damn!
Brian I'm sorry! Sshhh!
Hermit Oh damn damn and blast it!
Brian I'm sorry! Sshhh!
Hermit Don't you sshhh me! Eighteen years of total silence and you sshhh me!
Brian What?
Hermit I've kept my vow for eighteen years, not a single recognisable,
articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian Well, please, could you be quiet for another five minutes?
Hermit Oh, it doesn't matter now. I can go and enjoy myself! For the past
eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out! I'm
alive! Hava nagila! Hello birds! Hello trees!
Crowd Master! Speak to us master, speak to us!
Brian Go away!
Crowd A blessing! A blessing!
Follower 1 How shall we go away, oh Lord?
Brian Oh just go away! Leave me alone!
Follower 2 Give us a sign!
Follower 1 He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place!
Brian I didn’t bring you here, you just followed me!
Follower 2 Oh, it’s still a good sign by any standard.
Follower 1 Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You!
They are weary and have not eaten.
Brian It's not my fault they haven't eaten!
Follower 1 There is not food in this high mountain!
Brian Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?
Crowd A miracle! A miracle!
Follower 1 He has made the bush fruitful by His word!
Follower 3 They have brought forth juniper berries!
Brian Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes!
What do you expect?!
Follower 2 Show us another miracle!
Follower 1 Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper
bushes enough?
Hermit I say, those are my juniper bushes! Clear off!
Follower 4 Lord! I'm affected by a bold patch!
Follower 5 I'm healed! The master healed me! I was blind, and now I can see!
Crowd A miracle! He is the Messiah!
Brian I'm not the Messiah!
Follower 1 I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I followed a few!
Hail Messiah!
Brian Listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? HONESTLY!
Follower 2 Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian Well what sort of choice does that leave me? Alright, I AM the Messiah!
Crowd He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Follower 1 How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
Brian Oh, I don't know, just leave me alone.
Hermit You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then
you try to clean up my juniper bushes!
Follower 1 This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
Hermit No, he's not!
Follower 1 An unbeliever! Persecute! Kill the heretic!
Studio man Er... sorry! This... this bit's all cut, all these pages are out.
Link man Is it?
Studio man Yes. Just go from here, from "Early next morning".
Link man Early next morning... Well.. even this bit here?
Studio man Yes. No, all this is out.
Link man Is it?
Studio man Yeah. Early next morning...
Link man Early next morning... What?
Studio man Brian is interrupted by...
Link man Brian is interrupted by...
Studio man Mandy, his mother...
Link man Brian is interrupted by Mandy, his mother...
Studio man Knocking at the door.
Link man Knocking at the door.
Studio man Yes. Could you just do that without me saying it..?
Link man Oh, I see!
Studio man Yes.
Link man Early next morning, Brian is interrupted by Mandy, his mother,
knocking at the door.
Studio man I think we can use that.
Mandy Don't you hello mother me! What are all those people doing out there?
Brian Oh! Well, I... er...
Mandy Come on! What have you been up to my lad?
Brian I think they must have... popped by for something.
Mandy Popped by? Swarmed by more like! There's a multitude out there!
Brian They... they started following me yesterday!
Mandy Well, they can stop following you right now!
Now stop following my son! You oughta be ashamed of yourself!
Crowd The messiah! The messiah! Show us the messiah!
Mandy The who?
Crowd The messiah!
Mandy There's no messiah in here. There's a mess alright, but no messiah.
Now go away!
Crowd Brian! Brian!
Mandy Right, my lad, what have you been up to?
Brian Nothing mum!
Mandy Come on, out with it!
Brian Well, they think I'm the Messiah mum. Ah!
Mandy What have you been telling them?
Brian Nothing! I only...
Mandy You're only making it worse for yourself!
Brian Look, I can explain!
Mandy Ooh!
Crowd The messiah! Show us the messiah!
Mandy Now you listen here! He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!
Crowd Who are you?
Mandy I'm his mother, that's who!
Crowd Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
Blessed are thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!
Mandy Well... Now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not
coming out, and that's my final word! Now shove off!
Crowd No!
Mandy Did you hear what I said?
Crowd Yes!
Mandy Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?
Crowd Yes!
Mandy Oh. Well, alright then, you can see him for one minute. But not one
second more, d'you understand?
Crowd Yes...
Mandy Promise?
Crowd Well, alright.
Mandy Alright, here he is then. Come on Brian, come and talk to them.
Brian But I don't really want to!
Crowd Yeeeah!
Brian Please! Please! Please! Listen! I've got one or two things to say!
Crowd Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me; you don't
need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all
individuals!
Crowd Yes, we're all individuals!
Brian You're all different!
Crowd Yes, we are all different!
Man I'm not.
Crowd Shhh!
Brian You've got to work it out for yourselves!
Crowd Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves!
Brian Exactly!
Crowd Tell us more!
Brian No, that's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise...
Mandy That's enough! That's enough!
Crowd Ooh! That was no minute!
Mandy Oh yes it was!
Crowd Oh no it wasn't!
Mandy Now stop that! And go away!
Cheeky Excuse me?
Mandy Yes?
Cheeky Are you a virgin?
Mandy I beg your pardon?!
Cheeky Well, if it's not a personal question: are you a virgin?
Mandy If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you
get?! Now piss off!
Cheeky She is.
Man Yeah, must be.
Studio man Yes. Could... could you that one... just once more? Make it a
bit lighter, please.
Link man What?
Studio man A little bit lighter.
Link man Lighter?
Studio man Yes.
Link man Silly, sort of?
Studio man Er.. no. No. Just lighter, would you?
Link man Right. Hm. Brian is arrested and taken befohohore Pilate,
whehehere he is sentenced to be... to be crucified? Eheh?
Studio man Yes, I think that had many things going but... Do you think...?
Ehmm... Heavier.
Link man Right.
Studio man Is the key note.
Link man You'd rather, go back to heavy.
Studio man Yes. I... I...
Link man Thank you. Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, where he is
sentenced to be crucified.
Studio man Very good. Lunch everybody!
Pilate Hail!
Centurion The crowd outside's getting a bit restless sir. Permission to
disperse them please?
Pilate Dispewse them? But I haven't adwessed them yet!
Centurion Er... Well, no sir, but...
Pilate My addwess is one of the high points of Passovew. My fwiend Biggus
Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it!
Centurion Hail Caesar!
Biggus Dickus Hail Thaethar!
Centurion Are you not er... thinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir?
Pilate Give it a miss?
Centurion Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today sir.
Pilate Weally, centuwion, I'm suwpwised that a man like you is wattled by a
wabble of wowdy webels.
Centurion A bit thundery, sir.
Pilate Take him away!
Brian I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly!
Pilate And cwucify him well! Biggus.
Centurion I... I really wouldn't, sir.
Pilate Out of the way, centuwion.
Biggus Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if
there ith a thudden crithith.
Nisus Wettus Crucifixion?
Prisoner Yes.
Nisus Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next!
Crucifixion?
Cheeky Eh, no, freedom.
Nisus What?
Cheeky Freedom for me.They said I hadn't done anything, so go free, and
live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Oh. Well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.
Cheeky No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
Nisus Oh, I see. Very good, very good. Well, out of the door...
Cheeky Yeah, out of the way, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Nisus Line on the left, yes. Thank you.
Pilate People of Jewusalem! Wome is your fwiend!
Crowd Hahahaha!
Pilate To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a
wongdoew fwom our pwisons.
Crowd Hahahaha!
Pilate Whom would you have me welease?
Man 1 Welease Woger!
Crowd Yeah, welease Woger! Welease Woger! Hahahaha!
Pilate Vewy well, I shall welease Woger!
Crowd Yeah! Yeah!
Centurion Sir... We don't have a Woger sir.
Pilate What?
Centurion We don't have anyone of that name sir.
Pilate Ah. We have no Woger!
Crowd Aahhh!
Man 1 Well, what about Wodewick then?
Crowd Yeah, welease Wodewick! Welease Wodewick! Hahahaha!
Pilate Centuwion, why do they... tittew so?
Centurion Just some Jewish joke sir.
Pilate Are they... wagging me?
Centurion Oh no sir!
Pilate Vewy well. I shall welease Wodewick!
Centurion Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.
Pilate No Woger, no Wodewick...
Centurion Sorry sir.
Pilate Who is this Wodewick to whom you wefew?
Man 1 He's a wobber!
Man 2 And a wapist!
Woman And a pickpocket!
Crowd Oh, shut up.
Pilate He sounds a notowious cwinimal.
Centurion Haven't got him.
Pilate Do we have anyone in ouw pwisons at all?
Centurion We have a Samson, sir.
Pilate Samson?
Centurion Yes, Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir, Silus the Syrian Assassin,
several seditious scribes form Caesarea, er... sixty-seven seers from...
Biggus Dickus Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!
Centurion Oh no!
Pilate Good idea, Biggus!
Biggus Thitithenth! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus the
Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, ...
Jailor 1 Wha?
Nisus Er... How many have come through?
Jailor 1 Wha?
Jailor 2 Yyy...you'll have to sp..sp..speak up a bit, he's dddd...
deaf as a ppp..post, sir.
Nisus How many have come through?
Jailor 1 Hehehehehe!
Nisus Oh dear.
Jailor 2 I make it ninety-ffff... Ninety-ffff... Ninety-six, sir.
Nisus Such a senseless waste of human lives, isn't it?
Jailor 2 No sir! Nnnn...not with these bbb...bastards! Cr..cr..crucifixion's
too good for them!
Nisus You can't say it's too good for them, it's very nasty!
Jailor 2 Nnnn..not as na..nasty as something I just thought of, sir.
Biggus Dickus No Thpenther Trathieth!
Pilate Or we shall welease no one!
Judith Release Brian!
Man Oh yeah, that's a good one!
Crowd Welease Bwian! Welease Bwian! Hahahahaha!
Pilate Vewy well, that's it!
Centurion Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
Pilate We do?
Centurion You just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
Pilate Wait! We do have a Bwian! Well, go on, wepwieve him, stwaight away!
Centurion Yes sir!
Pilate Vewy well! I shall welease Bwian!
Cheeky See, not so bad once you're up. You're being rescued then, are you?
Brian It's a... bit late for that now.
Cheeky No, we got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time! Lots of people
get rescued.
Brian Ah?
Cheeky Oh yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for
more than twenty minutes. Randy little bugger, up and down like the Assyrian
Empire. Heh. Hello? Your family arrived then?
Reg Hello sibling Brian.
Brian Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg I should point out first, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue
committee. However, I've been asked to read the following statement on
behalf of the movement. We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials,
end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to
you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
Brian What?!
Reg Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuining struggle to
liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors,
excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education,
viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both
sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the PFJ, etcetera. And I would
just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you're doing
for us, Brian, in what must be after all for you a very difficult time.
Brian Reg!
All For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good
fehellow, and so say all of us.
Stan And so say all of...
Brian You bastards!
Brian You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion I have an order for his release!
Brian You stupid bastards!
Cheeky Er, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian What?!
Cheeky Yeah, I... I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion Take him down!
Brian I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim 1 Eh, I'm Brian!
Victim 2 I'm Brian!
Victim 3 Look, I'm Brian!
Brian I'm Brian!
Victims I'm Brian!
Victim 4 I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion All right. Take him away and release him.
Cheeky No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was
only... It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm
just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Brian Mum!
Mandy I might have known... Sex, sex, sex, is all these young people think about...
I don't know what this world is coming to...
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
If you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble
Give a whistle
And this'll
Help things turn out for the best
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
That’s the thing
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain
With a bow
Forget about your sins
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it
It's your last chance anyhow
Always look on the bright side of death
[elaborate whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath
[elaborate whistle]
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep them laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
Always look on the bright side of life
[elaborate whistle]
Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you are. See?
It’s the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.
They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him,
'Bernie.' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.'
Studio man Thank you very much for coming along.
Link man Mm?
Studio man Thank you very much for coming along. I think the voice-over has
helped the record enormously.
Link man That's it, is it? I mean, that really is it?
Studio man Er. Yes. Thanks. That's all we need, yes.
Link man Ah. Okay.
Studio man Er...
Link man How about this song?...
Studio man No. This song is a bit... I think. We have plenty of songs on the album anyway.
Is er...
Link man What?
Studio man Thirty pounds er... alright?
